I hate myself for loving you

It's actually a song which I heard whilst clubbing in Q-Bar, Sunway and Thai Club, KL. I love the song title, it's part of the chorus and I love 'shouting' along with it "....I hate myself for loving you!" The DJ would mute that part and everyone in the club would shout it out loud!

I hate myself for loving you. Yes, I do. Really. Even though I've announced to the whold wide world that I'm finally over you, the truth is, I'm not really over you. Not completely, not yet. It's like every 3 steps forward I tumble back 2 steps. Well, but 3-2=1 step forward. Mathematically, I'm still moving on but just very slowly. At least now I don't call you late at night, or buy stuff for you anymore. A fairly good prognosis, I'd say. I'll live, with or without you.

Insomnia 02:45am

Can’t sleep. I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past one week. It’s way past my usual bed time but I’m still wide awake. I can feel the frustration, guilt, anger and depression building up in me. All bottled up. Can’t cry, can’t speak…. My life is in a mess. Everything is out of control.

I should study! I should watch my weight! I should……..
All the things I should’ve done. If only I could turn back time. I hate it when my room’s messy. I hate it when I can’t cross out anything from my to-do list. I hate it when my dad calls and I’m not home. I hate the tone of his voice. I hate….. myself. So many things, so little time. Help.

What is life? I used to think that life would be perfect if I can just loose that 5 kilos, find the right guy, own a Christian Dior Bag….. Whatever it is, my soul will never find peace, my conscious will continue to gnaw at it because I never knew what I wanted in life. “What are your goals in life?”, you asked. Actually, I don’t know. To fill that space, I came up with a really absurd goal. To own a whole closet of branded stuff? It’s crazy. That’s not life. What is?

#Dear Vas and Jo. I’m sorry I’ve been rude to you guys. I love you two. Please forgive me. My life is so messed up right now. I need more time alone to sort it out. Life seems meaningless now. I need help.#

FORUM (EX. Bar Med)

Dear Jason,
Thank you. I had a great time at the club. Never believe I would have met you there. I'm sorry I left you on the dance floor all in a sudden. I regret doing that. I guess I just wanted to remember you as the sexy and wonderful guy, nothing more, nothing less. And if you ever see Apple again. Help me thank her. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have known your name. Guess I wouldn't be seeing you ever again. Well, *sob* Au Revoir!
Love,
the girl who dance with you last saturday night in FORUM,Sri Hartamas
XOXOXOXO


8.25pm All is lost! I thought my cousin's friend would at least be presentable. But oh my God! My dad wouldn've looked better than him!

8.40pm Capri is packed! Ordered porridge and hot almond tea.

9.05pm Decided to head to Sri Hartamas. The last time i was there was on 30th August 2003. I can still remeber the exact date cos all of us were singing Negaraku at 12midnight in the club!

9.45pm Still going round n round in circles. Where are all the people? The place looks deserted. Can't I even find a decent club here?

10.03pm Finally decided to go to FORUM. It used to be called Bar Med.

10.08om The club is empty and f***ing freezing cold. Had to change to another table. Good thing I have alcohol. Couldn't resist! Must have ciggie!! I don't think I'll like this club. It's mostly kids (they're cute though) and middle aged men with beer bellies.

11.15pm The club is filling up with people and the DJ is playing my fave songs! Rock da Boat!

11.32pm The people are finally on the dance floor after downing much alcohol. I was waiting for my cue, and there it was! Yeah, by Usher. I love you Mr. DJ! Can you believe it? I actually ran to the dance floor!

Lost track of time.... Where are all the cute guys?? It's all little kids on the dance floor! I don't think they're even 21! What's with all the hip hop move? I'm getting old for the club scene. That's why I'm in the semi-retired state. My legs are aching. Must be the god-damn shoes, but they look good though. Someone finally caught my attention. He's wearing a white polo shirt, knee length shorts and sneakers. He's cute, but kinda young. He'll do for the night ;) Yes! I'm finally dancing with him. He's kinda nice though. At least he didn't reach out his hand and tried to grab my ass or something. What's with this girl? Oh well, at least I know who I'm dancing with now. She asked me my name and the guy's name, she actually thought we were together. I don't know how much longer I can dance. Someone tapped on my shoulder. It was my cousin. Had to go. Hugged Jason and left. Got home by 2am, still thinking of Jason. Today, marks the day this cat has finally MO(Moved On). Thank you Jason. Will think of you wherever you are.

Now Everyone Can Fly

Was forced to fly with AirAsia back to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, because I couldn’t get supersaver tickets from MAS( Malaysia Airlines). There are only limited number supersaver tickets per flight. It’s half the price of full fare tickets. I’m not saying that Air Asia is not good, well, at least it’s another option for travelers who are erm on a rather tight budget and are willing to give up on the usual services by the airlines like inflight meals, magazines, friendly and beautiful air-stewardess who are every so willing to help you. I realize the golden rule of “What you pay is what you get”.

It was a relief to find out that my flight was as scheduled. I’ve asked the ground staff N times about the flight. If you didn’t know this, AirAsia is famous for having delayed flights other than cheap tickets. This is actually the FIRST time my flight is on schedule. It was only late by 10 minutes, I’d still consider it on time considering that it’s Air Asia.

Yeah, but I pity the people on the previous flight, why? Here’s the story: My flight was AK108, scheduled to depart from KLIA at 5.10pm. The flight before me,AK106, which is also arriving in Kota Kinabalu, was scheduled to depart at 3.25pm. What happened was flight AK106 was delayed, not only so, their departure gate was also changed from who knows where to my gate, which is A10. It didn’t bother me thought. The place was spacious enough to fit in everyone. What really pissed me off was that they combined the 2 flights, i.e. AK106 and AK108, which accommodated the total of the passengers just nicely, I think all the seats onboard were occupied. Wait, combining flight didn’t really piss me off, the thing is that they did not announce it! Nope, no proper “Flight Ak106 and Ak108 has been combined, sorry for any inconvenience caused….blah blah blah blah”. It was only till most of the passengers have boarded then the ground staff actually came over and told us! This is absolutely crazy! I sooooo wanted to give her a total laryngectomy!

The plane finally took off, I can’t help but breath a sigh of relieve. Halfway through the flight, I was really hungry (AirAsia doesn’t include in-flight meals) so I reached for the menu, and yes, they sell food on board, which is a total rip off. A hot cup noodle is selling at a 600% profit margin! This is the price you pay for cheap tickets. I bought a cup of hot Milo for RM3. I was in a terrible mood.

Finally, the plane reached Kota Kinabalu. The landing was terrible! I’m just glad we’re finally on the ground. So much for flying with AirAsia…. :(

Moggy in KKB: Part IV

26 May 2005

We were almost late again this morning. We all slept very late thanks to the Korean drama series. We just couldn’t stop! We had case presentations on the morning. Cr. Lim was very excited about the whole thing. The rest of us looked half dead. And again she mentioned about Vasan! “Aren’t you excited?!?!?!?” It’s just the same old boring day. After clerking my patient, stayed in the briefing room to catch some ZZZZZs. Sister Rita came in around 11.30am to write down the bedside teaching sessions on the board. To my horror, I got Dr. Sevu again!

The bedside teaching session was terrible. Dr. Sevu kept calling me Ah Moi, and he was very loud! I have to admit he’s a really good with the whole lecturing thing, I’ve actually learned a lot from him, especially about the IVP/IVU. It’s not as easy as we think it is. You’d have to prepare the patients 48 hours before the procedure. Then when injecting the dye, you’ll have to set up a drip just in case the patient is allergic to the dye and it wouldn’t be too late in case an anaphylactic shock occurs. When injecting the dye, you have to inject a little bit then wait for a few minutes, if there aren’t any adverse reactions, then inject the remaining dye. These are the things that they don’t teach you in school. When doing tests on patients, we are supposed to do less invasive procedures first, like blood test, ultrasound, x-ray etc. The invasive procedures like angiogram and IVP/IVU are last resorts. He’s nice but if only he’d stop calling me Ah Moi. Now everyone’s calling me Ah Moi.

People from group B came in to KKB today! And guess who’s in it? The SSKB! Saw him when we all went for dinner at 98. Arghh! I’m going crazy!

It’s our last night here. We’re still hooked on to the Korean drama series—Love in Paris. We agreed to stop halfway to pack our stuff cos we’d really have to wake up early tomorrow. Can’t believe we’re finally going home! Seems like yesterday when we just got here. We’re eventually adapted to life in KKB with the help of a laptop and a few discs.

I so wanted to tell SSKB about how I feel but as usual he didn’t reply my message. I wonder if he knows what I want to tell him. It seems like he’s avoiding me. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him after all. He wouldn’t understand anyway. Hopefully I can just get over him as soon as possible.

Moggy on KKB:Part III

25 May 2005

This is the third day I’m in KKB. Slept well last night. This place is not too bad, a quiet and peaceful little town. Got up earlier to write my journal. It’s great, the air is fresh and cool, and I’m holding a hot cup of noodle(can’t have coffee, might get palpitations).

Not much happening today. It’s just the same old things we always do in HKKB—briefing session, history taking, have tea, laze around in the briefing room, have lunch and finally, bedside teaching. I should really practice my Malay, it totally sux! Everything that comes out of my mouth sounds utterly funny!

Wanna know who I got for my bedside teaching session today? Dr. Sevu! And as usual, he’s late, and as usual he’s the one who does the talking. At least there’s something different for this session, cos he’s supposed to fill in this quiz thing on English literature, it’s something on metaphors. It’s actually a research paper by his boss’s daughter who’s studying in UK. Her thesis was something on the usage of English among Asian. One question went like this “come in as quick as thunder, but leave as slow as an ant” (Someone who speaks very loud but exits quietly), the answer that Hiong Chin thought of was-----orgasm! We didn’t tell Dr. Sevu though, we just kept giggling. Someone came up with “Show off”, I still think orgasm fits it perfectly.

Dr. Sevu my name is not Ah Moi!
Dr. Sevu has this habit of calling Chinese girls Ah Moi. And it’s annoying! He reminds me of Kenny Yoong. At least it’s just one day. Cos tomorrow I’d get someone else.

It rained at night but we all went out for dinner anyway. W went to 98 restaurant. The food’s not really that delicious but it’s considered good for KKB’s standard. At least the portion is large and the price is reasonable. After dinner, the all 5 of us did what all girls love to do the most---Shopping! Actually, it’s was more like grocery shopping. But still, I can’t believe we can still go from shop to shop to buy all the stuff.

We are hooked! The all 5 of us who stayed in house no. 11A are hooked on the Korean drama series. We watched it till 3 am in the morning!

Moggy in KKB: Part II

24 May 2005

What a morning! The air is cool, and the house is finally------quiet. I enjoyed a few quiet moments by myself, munching on cookies while religiously reading my bible---fashion magazines. Yes, it goes with me everywhere. It’s a must for the “fashion-fashion one”!

We all went to the HKKB a little earlier cos we thought they might start a little earlier. We were…erm a little late, well we thought we were until we saw people walking in the opposite direction, towards the canteenJ. Had nasi lemak and hot milo. The calorie content of the nasi lemak was way behind my mind, couldn’t be bothered by that now, I’m depressed(guess it’s just another excuse to eat)! The nasi lemak was pretty bad. I think it’s gotten worse compared to last time. Yet business is still good! There was this roti canai stall the last time I came here and it was really good. Too bad it’s not there anymore L.

We all met up with Dr. Lim for a briefing session and a talk by the director of the hospital. It’s a funny sight to see, everyone’s struggling to keep awake. We then went to clerk our assigned patients. My patient belonged to the Ward 5, the maternal ward. It’s actually “our” patient, I’m sharing her with Raj. The patient’s a primid (primi gravida—first pregnancy). Well, let’s just call her J. She’s really nice to talk to. I can tell that she’s really nervous and excited about the whole thing. She actually chose not to find out about the sex of her baby, as she wanted to keep the suspense and surprise till the final minute.

Raj and I then went to the morgue to look at the corpse that was brought in last night. It was a murder case. The victim was apparently involved in some mafia conflicts in Mumbai. A post mortem was scheduled in the afternoon with specialists coming in from KL. Too bad only a few of us get to watch it L.

Had bedside teaching session with Dr. Lim. Presented my case, which totally sucked but Dr. Lim said it was a good try anyway. We then did antenatal physical examination. It was a different kind of experience, to be able to feel baby and listen to heart sound.

We had an accident on the way back! What a way to end the day! Luckily no one was badly injured. We were on our way back to Taman Seruling and the road was rather wet and slippery as it was raining. A motorbike was in the middle of the road waiting to turn into a junction on the right but even when Adelyn slammed the brakes, the car didn’t just stop right there. It kinda bumped into the bike, tipped it to the right and it fell. It all happened so suddenly. Everyone took a few seconds to recover from the sudden shock, then we all rushed down to help the lady. Luckily it wasn’t really serious, just a bit of bruising and abrasion on her right arm. We’re lucky enough that we didn’t kill her and provoke an angry mob to come after us.

It continued to rain the whole night. The 5 of us who stayed in the same house decided not to get wet so we stayed in. Instead, we spent quality time together reading magazines, talking and watching some cheesy and draggy Korean drama series. We finally called it a night when all of just couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore.

#Facts Learned today:
1. It's illegal to do post mortems at night-------- Dr. Lim
2. If a MVA patient still can walk, he/she does not need to be sent to A&E. If you do send them in, you shall be scolded!----A guy from A&E in HKKB .#

Moggy in KKB: Part I

23 May 2005

Dooms day! I’m going to KKB (Kuala Kubu Baru) today. Left Bukit Jalil at 5.15pm. Felt reluctant to leave the comforts of civilization, there’s really nothing much in KKB, I’d rather be back home in Sabah, which I am, on Saturday! Shared the pineapple tarts I bought from Melaka with everyone on the bus. Felt like an air stewardess, “Coffee, tea or me?”

We finally arrived in Taman Seruling at around 6.30pm. I’m staying with Jacqueline, Yen Nie, Chiew Yee and Adelyn. The person in charge gave us a briefing in the IMU office. Apparently, there was a big fuss among the residents here complaining about the noise that we make. Like, Hello? We’re uni. Students, that’s what we do best ;P

The house was a mess! There’s practically dust everywhere! We took about an hour to clean up the place. I can immediately feel the post nasal drip, which is a sign of allergy, when I step in. The problem was, we have a broken broom (which gave me a terrible backache), no dust pan and no mop, while the house next door has a dust pan, no broom and no mop either. All of us were furiously cleaning the house while cursing IMU.

We all then went out for dinner in the small little town in a Chinese kopitiam. The Kon Loh Mee was nice and cheap. The only thing that I love the about the place is that the food is cheap, the noodle was only RM2.20. It doesn’t taste that bad either! One thing to keep in mind is that most of the shops are closed on Mondays. Even “the most happening place in KKB” is closedL.

I must talk about “the most happening place in KKB”. It’s the place where all of us, the young, cool and hip crowd hang out after dinner. This is no ordinary place, this is THE waffle and ice-cream shop. Yes, the one and only in KK, where you can grab a 2 scoop ice-cream with a waffle cone for only RM1.20. Too bad it was closed todayL. We’ll have to come back tomorrow.

The first thing that I’ve learned in KKB is----------- Mahjong! It was really fun, we also played a few rounds of BINGO. I can finally understand why the residents are so angry, we were really loud!!!